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I could put the moment off no longer."You know that I've talked a bit about my girlfriend Julie? I'd really like you to meet her. Would it be okay if she came up on Thursday for a couple of nights so you have a chance to get to know her? Please?"Mum and Dad spoke at almost the same time."It's like that, is it, Son?" About time too!"Jen just roared with laughter. Clearly there had already been some discussion about my girlfriend, and she had been dropping the odd hint to our parents before I got home."Can I use the phone and let her know that it's okay?" Of course! Tell her that we're looking forward to meeting her!"So I went into the hall, closed the kitchen door behind me for a bit of privacy on the phone, and told my darling that I loved her, and that I couldn't wait until Thursday came and we were reunited.Jen came into my bedroom that night, just as I was stepping into my pyjama bottoms, and ostentatiously ogled Gustav, who of course responded to her admiration in his own. Feel him in the night tending them. Believe that he’s there. Then there’s light and the shower is still running. I leave it on even though the water bill is too high to pay. I like the sound of the water rushing over me. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and lust and longing. The scars will never vanish. Never fade completely. But remind me of the torture of trust, the fool who gives over. The emptiness that follows desire. All of it written in stitches across the scars and curves of fingerprints from homemade thread and sewn with the needles that were thrown at me. I say you must move on because the only way to live is for yourself. But the mirror doesn’t believe me. It remembers how he said he’d die for me and believes that there is another way. Still, it knows that he read my hands and prints.
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